FEMA Arsenal Discovered At Cleveland WalMart

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is hoarding a massive cache of firearms in at least one Cleveland area Wal-Mart, says an employee wishing to remain anonymous whom accidentally stumbled upon an enormous quantity of military-grade weapons in a chamber normally secured behind digital lock and key. For the sake of readability, we shall call our source “Joel.”

According to Joel, he had finished a 4:00 PM to 1:00 AM shift and was readying to leave work when he noticed an unsecured office door in an employee-only location within the store. He thought the office belonged to a district manager because the door’s locking mechanism differed from all other offices at the location; it was protected by a digital keypad, whereas other offices used conventional locks and keys. He had never seen anyone enter or leave that room, ever.

He found the door ajar, he said, and considered simply pushing it closed before curiosity compelled him to peek inside the office. What he saw, he added, chilled his bones.

“It was no ordinary office,” Joel said. “No desk. No shelves. No phone. But all four walls had lockers filled with weapons. I could see inside because the lockers had what I can only call ventilation holes, even though I know that makes no sense. But I could clearly see racks of what looked like M-16s and belt-fed automatic rifles filling the lockers.”

The words “Property of FEMA” were stenciled boldly on the front of each locker.

“I’ve heard a story FEMA is converting our stores into internment camps, but I never believed it. Not until now,” Joel said.

He estimates the lockers held at least one hundred weapons, in addition to a dozen padlocked crates, ostensibly filled with ammunition.

“I wanted to run and get the hell out of there, but my arms and legs were frozen with fear. I figure if they had all those weapons, then they have hidden cameras too and I was already caught, and that running would be pointless. Figured I was fucked and fired either way. So I stood and waited, figuring some armed goons would arrive to—I don’t even wanna think about it. But nothing happened. I’m sort of glad I got to see that room, but also wish I hadn’t.”

That office, he said, is a relatively new addition to the store. He recalled hearing construction crews using jackhammers and other tools during his shift, usually after midnight, as the store was mostly vacant. Moreover, the store blared music through loudspeakers to drown out the sound of power tools, he said.

Joel claims he attempted to document the contents of the office on video using his smartphone, but somehow the video got scrambled and attempts to recover it produced only indecipherable static, snowy images.

The government does possess radio frequency and microwave transmitters able to scatter or destroy digital signal processing, and is fully capable of obliterating SD cards and other media storage. Joel said he believes such a technology must have contaminated his footage.

Despite the lack of video evidence, we opted to publish this story after a second employee corroborated the room’s existence and a third confirmed having seen the mysterious digital lock.

None of the three is willing go public at this time. All are still employed at Wal-Mart.

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