Hillary Clinton Cyborg Short Circuits In Central Park
Some music fans at the OZY festival in Central Park on Saturday received an unexpected encore when Hillary Clinton, who attended to bolster 2020 presidential support, began acting spasmodically and nearly burst into flames. Toward the end of a star-studded lineup that included the band Passion Pit and rapper Common, Clinton was observed sweating profusely for several minutes before her head spun 360
degree, as if trying to unscrew itself from her body, and a shower of sparks erupted from her shoulder blades.
Her Secret Service detail swiftly ushered her into a limousine, but several people had witnessed the former presidential candidate’s uncanny antics. Moreover, two concertgoers who claimed to have captured footage of Clinton’s literal meltdown said Secret Service agents confiscated their cellular phones and warned them not talk about what they thought they might have seen.
Chris Farrell, a thirty-three year old Queens resident, said he was standing less than five feet from Clinton.
“It was noisy but I could still hear her talking to the woman next to her. A pair of what were obviously Secret Service agents flanked them. All of a sudden, her face was drenched in sweat and her voice went haywire. She sounded like a robot. Her fuckin’ head spins around like the girl in the movie the exorcist and sparks start flying out of her neck. Her people must have seen me filming because they bum rushed me and snatched my phone ‘in the name of national security,’” Mr. Farrell said.
Additionally, Mr. Farrell said agents tacitly threatened him by suggesting he was on drugs.
“The agent told me it wouldn’t be good for me if my friends, family, and employer found out about my drug use. I don’t do drugs; I don’t even drink,” Mr. Farrell said.
A twenty-six year old Paramus, NJ woman asking not to be identified (who we shall call ‘Lisa’) corroborated Mr. Farrell’s story. She said Clinton appeared poised through a pair of interviews in which she assailed President Trump for separating immigrant children from their parents and for his encounter with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki.
“After that, Hillary and her private party moved to a relatively secluded area where they were largely invisible to most people in attendance. I was close enough to see what happened. Her head started spinning around and around and I thought she was going to burst into flames because sparks were flying everywhere. I thought spontaneous human combustion. A guy in a suit and two uniformed NYPD officers surrounded me and took my phone. I was told not to talk about what I saw ‘cause I was probably hallucinating. I saw two other people have their phones confiscated,” Lisa said.
A throng of officers and men in suits, Lisa said, encircled Clinton and pushed her into a dark limousine with blacked-out windows.
“I don’t know who or what that was, but I don’t believe it was the real Hillary Clinton,” Lisa added.
For years, the internet has been abuzz with rumors of Hillary Clinton’s demise. Some say she died in 2016 and an army of Hillary clones now walks the Earth. Others argue Hillary Clinton was mortally wounded when she fell down a flight of stairs, and the Deep State affixed a mechanical, Darth Vader-like apparatus to her chest to keep her alive for their own nefarious reasons.
“That’s why she is only ever seen wearing very baggy clothes,” one observer pointed out.
In any event, Saturday’s occurrence makes one thing perfectly clear: the world is not as it seems, and we, as concerned citizens, must remain forever vigilant in our fight against darkness.