Putin Tells Trump: “Hang The Traitor!”

On Wednesday afternoon, the New York Times published an anonymous op-ed in which the author, described as a senior White House official, claimed to be part of a West Wing cabal dedicated to protecting America from President Trump’s whimsical, capricious, man-child behavior and decision making process. Almost immediately, the White House erupted in pandemonium, with frantic aids huddling in dimly lit corridors, strategizing a means to shield them from a West Wing witch-hunt.

Trump questioned on Twitter whether the anonymous official was a phony source, and wrote that if  “the GUTLESS anonymous person does indeed exist, the Times must, for National Security purposes, turn him/her over to government at once!” Moreover, he tweeted a single word: TREASON.

Amid the madness, Trump received an unexpected late evening telephone from Russian President Vladimir Putin, who, according to our White House insider, sympathized with Trump’s plight and anguished over the hurdles placed before Trump by both “Democrat spies” and “snakes on his own lawn.”

Our source said the world’s two most powerful men spoke for ten minutes, and Putin suggested that Trump discover the traitor’s identity and publically hang him until “his toes stop twitching.” Trump purportedly replied in the affirmative, but said condoning a public execution would give his opponents more ammunition to use against him.

“Despite whatever differences exist between them, the conversation seemed amicable. It was the first time Trump laughed the entire day. Apparently, Trump and Putin share a similar sense of humor, and I think the phone call gave Trump a moment of sanity during a truly crazy day,” our source said.

Putin reminisced on his own political turmoil, recounting a story of an Israeli-funded operation to fill the Kremlin with Mossad sponsored double agents. Those individuals, Putin said, were either shot or mysteriously disappeared. He encouraged Trump to embrace a similar methodology. But Trump said an American president could not rely on Stalin-type tactics to dispose of one’s enemies.

Then Putin dropped a bombshell. Russian intelligence agents had analyzed the editorial’s diction and syntax and suspected that either Vice President Pence or Secretary of State Pompeo had authored the scathing piece. The Russian Federal Service Bureau was positioned to expose the mole within twenty-four hours, Putin said, hinting at a Russian presence in the White House. A Washington source, incidentally, claims that Secreatary of Defense Jim Mattis is the guilty party.

But Trump, already mired in baseless allegations of Russian collusion, graciously declined Putin’s offer, saying he had appointed his own task force to root out treasonous criminals.

“We are wealthy and therefore wise,” Putin told Trump.

“No one knows if Putin really knows who penned then anti-Trump diatribe. But Putin did seem confident. Trump could not risk accepting aid, not now, not with all that’s going on. Besides, he probably suspected that Putin had an ulterior agenda and didn’t want to be party to it. When Putin asked Trump whom he suspected, Trump said, “I suspect everyone. I suspect no one.” Trump is frantically trying to identify the culprit,” our source said.

Putin allegedly ended the conversation with a cryptic sentence. “Mr. President, there are threats out there far more dangerous than even the ones you face in Washington. These dangers, we must face together.”

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