Russians Rally Behind Trump’s Nibiru Disclosure
In response to wide-ranging reports that President-elect Donald J. Trump would confirm the existence of Nibiru during his inaugural address, a group of three hundred fanatical Russian Nibiru believers has traveled from Moscow to Washington in hope of catching Trump’s eye. Word of Trump’s impending Nibiru announcement has been circulating throughout the internet for months; on January 9, a source within his transition team said that Nibiru disclosure was Trump’s top priority, and would be discussed after he had been sworn into office.
A Pravda reporter caught wind of the story and published several articles congratulating Trump for embracing a taboo subject eschewed by mainstream science. RT reprinted the stories, and soon the news had spread across Russia, from Moscow to the Siberian wilderness. Shortly thereafter, scores of enthusiastic Russians made plans to attend Trump’s inauguration.
“Donald J. Trump is great man,” said Dimitri Orlov, who traveled from St. Petersburg to Washington. “President Putin never tells the truth about Nibiru. President Trump will. My whole family come with me and hopefully we get close enough for Trump to acknowledge our support for him. He is smart man.”
Hundreds of other Russians echo his sentiments. Thanks to social media, three hundred Trump-loving Russians banded together and pooled resources, they chartered a fishing schooner to ferry them from Vladivostok to Maryland.
“We are proud to be here for President Trump’s Nibiru talk,” said Maria Khazakov, whose husband and three infant children accompanied her on the month-long voyage. “It was a cramped trip. But worth it to hear President Trump. I renamed my children “Donald,” “John,” and “Trump” to honor President Trump. It is good to be here, but still some problems.”
The Russians, it seems, failed to account for unforeseen difficulties. For example, every hotel in a fifty-mile radius of Washington is booked solid. Besides, most of the Russian travelers carried little money, only a few rubles, hardly enough to secure reservations in Washington’s ritzy hotels, even if rooms were available.
The inventive Russians took matters into their own hands; they have created gypsy camps, erecting small tent cities along the Potomac, in city parks, and in low-income Baltimore neighborhoods. Their movements have not gone unnoticed. The Secret Service has been tracking the Russians since they set foot on American soil.
“The Secret Service no like us here,” said Mario Kutznuv. “We tell them we are friend to Donald J. Trump. They look at us like we are animals. Kutznuv and his parents are living in a tent made from discarded tarps and pieces of cardboard foraged from neighborhood dumpsters.
Despite minor setbacks, their spirits remain high. At night, they gather in a circle and sing songs dedicated to President-elect Trump. They have manufactured signs and banners to fly during the inauguration festivities, bearing slogans such as “NIBIRU FOR TRUMP,” “TRUMP IS GREAT,” “TRUMP IS GREATER THAN NIBIRU.”
Asked whether the group had been offered an audience with Trump, Ivan Vaterpezhekosma hung his head and said, “I don’t think we be so lucky. We like President Trump to have dinner with us so we can talk about Nibiru. But I think Secret Service not allow this. We stand with Trump, however we can. Fuck President Putin. We love Trump. We go home loving Trump.”
Alas, the Russian delegation may be in Washington longer than expected. Their schooner had sprung leaks, taken on water, and sank early Wednesday morning.
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