Shock Claim: Putin Ignites Extraterrestrial War

For the second time in a month, a religious figurehead has accused Russian President Vladimir Putin of waging unnecessary wars against extraterrestrials visiting our planet. In August, the Vatican commanded Putin to immediately halt conflict with the Anunnaki, whom Pope Francis described as race of benevolent beings that would have bestowed miraculous gifts upon humanity if Putin had not unnecessarily invoked their rage.

Last Wednesday, Archbishop Ivan Jurkovič of the Russian Orthodox Church branded Putin a traitor for enraging yet another species of “docile, celestial visitors,” the Blue Avians. Several weeks ago, an Avian raiding party allegedly launched an unprovoked attack on seaside village of Khalaktyrsky on the Kamchatka Peninsula. They descended from the sky and abducted a half-dozen people who had been sunbathing on the beach, according to a classified Ministry of Defense (MOD) report.

Archbishop Jurkovič apparently received information confirming the report’s authenticity but said that Putin, not the Blue Avians, is the aggressor. The following comes from Martha Ermakova, a Russian paranormal investigator previously attached to the FSB.

“Jurkovič’s anger is justified because President Putin is plunging us into fights we cannot win. The Blue Avians came to help, and he ruined that. In mid-August, a Blue Avian emissary arrived at the Kremlin to speak to Putin. Much like Pope Francis had, it told Putin to stop fighting the Anunnaki. It said Putin risked turning a regional Anunnaki conflict into a global one. The Blue Avian said its people were positioned to either arbitrate peace or deal with the Anunnaki, but only if Putin called off his own attack dogs. But it did not go well,” Ms. Ermakova explained.

She said Putin ordered a Presidential Service Officer to execute the Blue Avian emissary; the guard drew his sidearm and shot the extraterrestrial visitor squarely between its eyes, and the creature emitted a high-pitched shrill from its beak that shattered the bullet-proof glass windows in Putin’s office before collapsing dead to the ground.

“The attack on the Kamchatka beach was retaliation for Putin’s madness,” Ms. Ermakova said. “Now instead of one enemy, we have two. How the Archbishop discovered this information is unknown, but he holds considerable sway over many congregations. I do not know if he would publically share this information because it could destabilize religious values. If he did it carefully, though, it might generate much anti-Putin sentiment among the Russian population. This was a very bad move on Putin’s part. Now we have two unwinnable wars.”

However, former KGB agent Strelnikov Isaac Stepanovich said the execution scene was a blatant fabrication and that no Blue Avian emissary had ever sought council with Vladimir Putin. He called Ms. Ermakova a disinformation specialist whose employment was terminated due to poor judgment and gross misconduct.  Moreover, he alleges that she is intentionally sowing anti-Putin propaganda because she was fired from the agency.

“While it’s true President Putin has issued a preemptory declaration of war against hostile invaders, her account is a work of fiction. The Kamchatka beach incident was unprovoked. Until then, Putin had neither heard of nor cared about these winged monsters. Ermakova is probably the one who gave this fake information to the church in the first place,” Stepanovich said.

Whatever the case, there appears to be trouble in Russia, and regardless of who instigated what, we as a society should recognize that not all threats to humanity originate from within our solar system.

 

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  • Jared Byron

    WOW

    • Fake Astronomy

      Crap is more like it…