Special Forces Seize Clinton Cash, Drugs in Borneo

In the early morning hours on September 1, elements of the 5th Special Forces Group raided a Clinton-controlled hacienda on the Island of Borneo in South East Asia, says a White House insider under promise of anonymity. President Trump approved the operation after receiving viable tips that Hillary Clinton was hiding $275,000,000 of unreported income at a Clinton Foundation owned estate twenty-five miles north of Banjarmasin.

The third largest island in the world, Borneo is politically divided among three countries: Malaysia and Brunei to the north and Indonesia to the south. To mitigate potential political fallout, President Trump conferred with Indonesian Vice President Jusuf Kalla and gained conditional approval to green light the incursion. The Indonesian government requested fifty percent of seized assets and a promise that military activity would be swift and limited to a one-kilometer radius around the target, our source said.

“Trump was eighty percent sure the cash was there, but at first hesitated about surrendering it to a foreign power. Eventually, he capitulated, and told Kalla he’d split any bounty. Trump probably shouldn’t have mentioned the money, since the Indonesian military could have just swept in and grabbed it all.  But the president was being a good guy, and he figured the Indonesians would better spend the money than by the Clintons. God only know what Hillary Clinton intended to do with all that cash,” our source said.

After speaking to Kalla, Trump spoke with United States Army Special Operations Command and was told that a 5th SFG “Able Team” that had been covertly training in Singapore could be repurposed and ready for action in less than twelve hours.

“At that point, President Trump said just four words: Great. Make it happen,” our source said.

Under cover of darkness on a moonless night, the twelve man A-team parachuted from a C-130, landing several kilometers north of their target, and humped on foot to their destination, which, as they had seen previously on satellite imagery, was the antithesis of anything one might expect a Clinton to own: a rural two-story villa in a horrible state of disrepair with overgrown weeds as far as the eye can see.

“The place appeared deserted. Looked as if no one had lived there for years. No activity, no sign of life, and not a single internal light,” our source said. “It was either the best or worst place on Earth to hide over a quarter billion dollars in illicitly gained money. The team secured the perimeter, and the commander gave the order to breech the compound,” our source said.

The interior was equally decrepit: the ground was black with soot and floorboards buckled beneath the soldiers’ weight. Swarms of flies and other biting insects filled each room. Only one area, our source said, stood apart from the filth and grime; in the basement, the soldiers discovered a locked steel door that apparently opened into a hidden alcove. They blew the door open with a shaped C-4 charge and found what they had been sent to find.  Corner to corner, floor to ceiling, the chamber was filled with pallets of banded one hundred dollar bills. Moreover, they found five duffel bags, each containing approximately one hundred pounds of black tar heroin.

With their objective completed, the Special Forces team requested exfiltration, while the Trump administration and its Indonesian counterparts discussed logistics on how to transport and distribute the seized cash.

“I don’t know if the administration has taken possession of its share yet, but I have no doubt that will happen. The cash and drugs found on Clinton Foundation property will certainly give the president ammunition to use against Hillary. With any luck, she’ll soon be taking a permanent vacation at Guantanamo Bay,” our source said.

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