Trump Blasts Vatican over NIBIRU Ultimatum

On Saturday, President Donald J. Trump fired back at the Vatican, in response to a chilling ultimatum issued by Pope Francis—“Do not talk about Nibiru, or else.” Last week, as reported by this website and other alternative news outlets, a Vatican emissary arrived at the White House unannounced and hand-delivered the message personally to Trump.  Written on vellum parchment in long hand calligraphy, the message succinctly warned Trump to “cease and desist” from any disclosure efforts and to stop encroaching on a subject of which he has no expertise.

According to our White House source, Trump was furious and exploded in uncontrolled anger after the Vatican representative had departed the Oval Office.

“It was bad, pretty bad,” our source said. “The President was livid. He clenched his fists in anger so tight he nearly drew blood from his palms. He ran around the White House looking for people to fire.  Invain, did aides try to calm him down, until when Ivanka arrived; of course, she was able to calm his nerves.”

Once Trump regained his composure, our source said, he sat down and ordered the presidential pen to be brought.  Reportedly, it’s a 24kt gold Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen valued at 1.75 million dollars.  The exact contents of the note to Pope Francis are a tightly guarded national secret, but our source obtained a summary of the note’s bullet points.

Trump admonished the pope against perpetuating a global conspiracy threatening the existence of all life on Earth. He blasted the pope for trying to claim sole domain over a cosmic entity that rightfully deserved presidential attention. Finally, if all information is accurate, Trump wrote that “no one and nothing” could stop him from warning the world about Nibiru, when the time was right. To underpin his disdain for Vatican intervention, our source said, Trump refused to personally sign the letter, and used his presidential stamp.

Our source told us: “Only one line of text is known exactly, because Trump spoke aloud as he wrote it.  I will quote it for you: ‘I am not Angela Merkel. I am not Prime Minister Trudeau. I am Donald J. Trump, President of the United States. No one dictates to me.’ Those were his words.”

According to our source, there was a debate over how to get the message to the pope.  Trump said that sending the right person was as important as the message itself. The advice of Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen K. Bannon, carried the day, when he earnestly declared: “Only Jared can go to Rome.”

Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law, was chosen, sources said, because of his heritage; Bannon felt that sending an Orthodox Jew would make Pope Francis realize that he had no influence on White House policies and procedures.

“Sending Jared was a risky move, but that’s what President Trump is all about,” our source said. “When Trump learned that Nibiru might not be frozen in space and could perhaps circle behind the dark side of the sun and start heading in our direction, he resolved to make this a top priority.”

Kushner had arrived in Rome early Saturday morning. Eyewitnesses spotted him exiting a private jet at Leonardo Da Vinci airport.  Shortly thereafter, he arrived at the Vatican and was escorted into Pope Francis’s private apartments.  The resolution of their meeting remains unknown, but Trump’s action highlights his desire to stand for truth, transparency, justice, and the American way.

 

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  • Jessica Schab

    a bunch of pedophiles telling anyone what to do is hilariously flawed

    • NOTWaiting4Nibiru

      i agree. can we get back together??? i’m lonely and have nothing to do but brush my moms hair

      • Jessica Schab

        I just cant do it….you just arent big enough for me….I need some black dude who can lay it down. not a white guy who cant get it up.

        • NOTWaiting4Nibiru

          I know….i’ve tried everything. even listening to backstreet boys. its not listening. My parents are mad because i’m playing it too loud in the basement. I think they are going to kick me out but i cant afford a place while working at petsmart part time. 🙁

          • Jessica Schab

            while that sounds attractive, it wont make me come back to you. ever. you gave me the herp.