Vermont Responds To PUTIN
Discovery of ancient Ukrainian malware on a Burlington Electric laptop, not connected to the power grid, has shocked Vermont. Governor Peter Shumlin (D) responded at once: “Vermonters and all Americans should be both alarmed and outraged that one of the world’s leading thugs, Vladimir Putin, has been attempting to hack our electric grid, which we rely upon to support our quality-of-life, economy, health, and safety. I have sworn to protect and defend the State of Vermont. I hope President Obama realizes the super seriousness of the situation.”
President Obama used strong words, saying, “all options are on the table.” However, Vermont officials observed that his actual response was weak, as usual. While he did expel an additional fifty-one Russian diplomats from U.S. territory—after thirty-five Russian intelligence analysts had been expelled last week—the Vermont Bureau of Investigation determined that the Obama expulsions were a joke: all expelled “diplomats” were in actuality, cooks, drivers, and cleaning ladies.
The Daily Kos asks whether “the Russians hacked into a BED computer as a way of retaliating against Bernie Sanders for endorsing Hillary Clinton in this year’s presidential election… What other motive would the Russians have?”
Governor Shumlin was joined by Vermont Senators Bernie Sanders and Patrick Leahy, who said: “This is beyond hackers having electronic joy rides — this is now about trying to access utilities to potentially manipulate the grid and shut it down in the middle of winter. That is a direct threat to Vermont and we do not take it lightly.”
After all-night discussions between the Governor and Senators Sanders and Leahy, a plan of action has been agreed to:
- The 15th Civil Support Team has been tasked with guarding power stations across Vermont.
- All Russian skiers in Stowe, are to surrender their ski-lift tickets.
- 2660 reservists from Vermont’s National Guard have been mobilized, along with the 158th Fighter Wing.
- Vermont direct sanctions against Russian interests have been initiated.
Our Montpelier sources have succeeded in penetrating an intense media blackout, providing us with exclusive information on the details of defensive operations under way.
Vermont’s 172nd Infantry Regiment and 101st Field Artillery Regiment have reached the Russian Embassy in Montpelier. They have dug in, encircling the perimeter with tanks, and set up mortars. All communication cables have been severed to keep the people inside from contacting Moscow. Shumlin is demanding the unconditional surrender of the embassy.
Since Vermont has no native maritime units, Shumlin called New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and was able to borrow a PB440 class patrol boat and several Zodiac inflatable rafts. The Vermont National Air Guard has flown the naval vessels to the Northern Pacific; they have already set sail for the Aleutian island of Chirkov, a Russian-owned territory sixty-five miles off the Kamchatka Peninsula. To back demands for an official apology from Vladimir Putin, Vermont naval forces have orders to seize and hold the island.
“That island is so cold,” our source said, “even the Russians don’t go there. Ice, snow, and forty below zero temperatures. Governor Shumlin apparently accounted for this, knowing his troops could easily take an unoccupied island with no resistance. A pair of F-16s and a refueling tanker are supporting the maritime operation.”
The Washington Post later retracted the hacking story, citing lack of evidence. However, a Washington Post reporter, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained that the Post would tomorrow retract its retraction, based on newly discovered evidence.
“Originally, we printed the story based on FBI and DHS reports of deadly Ukrainian malware found on Burlington Electric’s laptop. We were ordered to retract the story—they couldn’t link it to Russia. But now we’ve found the evidence” the anonymous Post reporter told us.
A more thorough investigation, by technicians of the Vermont Bureau of Investigation, revealed, on the laptop’s ‘delete’ key, a right-index fingerprint belonging to Russian Ambassador Vitaly Churkin.
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